3 posts tagged “awesome”
“What is it about driving cars that makes you all such assholes?”
It’s a valid question, to be sure, and one of the probing conundrums that is central to the awesomeness of Torque. Torque finds its Buddha in the guise of the car movie, and as is wont to happen in such situations, Torque kills the Buddha. Torque makes fun of cars and car films (“I live my life a quarter mile at a time.” “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!”), all the while indulging in the same stunt artistry, testosterone-fueled plot and characters, and the same man/horse cowboy dynamic as any other film we’ve shared during TORQUE WEEK! In fact, Torque does all of this better than any other movie of its type that I’ve seen. They key difference? Instead of ricers or muscle cars, Torque uses bikes, choppers, hogs, etc. As far as I can tell, the only benefit to this is that it makes everyone look like a complete dickhead.
Pretty much all of the characters wear these leather jumpsuits for pretty much all of the movie. I suppose it’s authentic biking attire, but you know what? Yellow and blue spandex is an authentic look for Wolverine, but the movie went a different way to keep him from looking like a giant flaming idiot.
Torque is blissfully aware of its silliness. It goes for bad puns (like having Ice Cube shout “Fuck the police!”), its opening minutes are like something out of a Looney Tunes cartoon, full of zany physics defying theatrics, and it has one of the most clichéd plots ever conceived by mankind. Fortunately, the plot (which involves generic badass Ford being framed for the murder of Ice Cube’s brother, placing Ford on the run while he tries to clear his name – just in case you were wondering) is only present as a structure to facilitate racing and fighting, and these are things the film handles with aplomb.
And how can’t it? Look at Torque’s pedigree. It’s written by a guy whose only other credit is a movie about Jessica Alba diving for pirate gold, and it’s directed by a guy who’s most notable for making Britney Spears videos. In fact, Torque is the only movie that Joseph Kahn has ever made, and it's a living, vital testament of the zomg factor that the MTV generation thrives on so heavily. The film puts Ice Cube behind the wheel of a souped-up stock car, which is reason enough to seen it.
Cube (actually on a motorcycle there) is probably the best thing about this movie, since he’s actually a pretty decent actor playing a silly, broad role, and that’s always fun to watch. There’s also an awesomely bad catfight between white trash empress Jaime Pressly and the totally forgettable Monet Mazur, as seen below.
The back-and-forth between the two is so fabulously cheesy that I kind of want them to fight over me, just so I could listen. Here:
China: You messed with the wrong chick!
Shane: [Shane knocks China off her bike] Looks like you did, bitch!
It’s Shakespeare caliber stuff.
If you’re looking for a bad, fun movie, you owe it to yourself to watch Torque and spend an hour and a half just reveling in cinematic Simlish – it’s oddly compelling and addictive, but it means absolutely nothing. It goes out of its way to be over the top and melodramatic, but neither of those things are bad things. In fact, those things are rocktober, maybe even radvember. Its totally unironic cotton-candy appeal is what sets it head and shoulders above the other contenders. It is not the greatest movie – despite my earlier claims – but I will tell you all day long that it is the most awesome.
Torque is airing on TBS next Saturday at 2:15 am, so those of you with Tivo are already programming that information into your magical boxes as we speak. The trailer, which is also pretty magnificent, can be viewed here.
Next up on aLoGT: Horrorfest!
Doing some Christmas shopping online revealed that Skeleton Man - a movie that I firmly believe to be the greatest film of our generation - is only SEVEN DOLLARS on DVD at Amazon. That, plus my mention of it in my review of The Plague yesterday, couple to inspire me to comment in-depth about what makes the movie great. My initial ramblings about the movie are marred by alcohol and lack of sleep, and despite their stream of consciousness charm, they don't suffice under scrutiny.
Skeleton Man is the story of a dead Native American warrior named Cotton Mouth Joe who was betrayed by love and is now cursed to ride his teleporting horse around a generic forest killing military personnel with what I can only assume is the actual Spear of Longinus, the blade that pierced the side of Christ. Why? Because only a spear that has touched the blood of Christ can make a helicopter explode. I think it's in one of the gospels. Oh, he also has a badass skull-face mask.
Joe is immune to conventional weapons - except when he's not for no reason at all - and that's a decision made with a specific goal in mind - to make as many goddamn explosions as the makers of a low budget horror film can make. I'm not kidding. If I had to name this movie after seeing a rough cut of it, I'd probably call it EXPLODER - in all caps - because a good deal of the film revolves around stuff blowing up. The movie begins with a house exploding. Then a fuel tanker blows up. Then a helicopter. Then, one of the protagonists unloads a grenade launcher at Joe fruitlessly and at length. And at the very end, a power plant explodes. In its pretty brief run time, that's so much explosion/minute that it's positively staggering.
One of the other things that tickles me about Skeleton Man is that ghosts always go after gawky, inept teenagers that can barely do anything beyond squealing ineffectually and maybe wetting themselves. In Skeleton Man, the ghost takes on the frakking Army. Conceptually, that's pretty awesome, but realistically, it falls apart because the Army's mainstay tactic - firing guns - is useless against a ghost.
Of course, because the heroes are hard-boiled Army guys (and some token busty girls in tank tops), Michael Rooker stars in this movie. He's the Jaime Lee Curtis of the movie - the final girl, if you will - and he has a pretty laughable final showdown with Cotton Mouth Joe in the power plant (and if you're reading closely, you may have noticed that this structure will explode). He punches and electrocutes the ghost and - one of my favorite moments - he blocks a blow from Joe's sword with his bare hands! YES! Earlier in the movie, Rooker has a 'Nam flashback that consists of nothing but random explosions.
Skeleton Man is the movie that every 12 year old would make, and it's kind of awesome because of that. Yeah, it's pretty terrible, and pretty low-quality, but it makes up for it by not fucking around. By the time the opening credits roll, three people are dead and there have been two explosions. By that calculus, the film's a success. See it with friends and few beers, and I think you'll agree.
In late June 2006, the area near my home was in danger of being flooded, and I needed to stay up all night while my wife was stuck at the hospital working a forced double shift, just in case we needed to evacuate. In the midst of a 48 hour period in which I got no sleep at all, I watched Skeleton Man. What follows is a transcript of instant messages and message board posts that chronicle my experience with the movie.
> in the first four minutes of this movie, a man in a black robe and skull face mask has blown up a house and killed two people with a hand ax. he pulled a skull out of the stomach of one of the dead guys for some reason i don't understand. i need to rip this and make some animated gifs.
> 7 minutes, the skeleton man kills a girl and a some sort of plant worker using a medieval sword. there is another explosion.
> 7:30, a helicopter is flying low across the ocean while the credits music plays.
> it cuts right to army guys running around in the woods. i think the copter is there to evac them. the army guys' team was taken out by the skeleton man, apparently, because he's chasing them.
> he just scalped a guy, but johnny rico got to the chopper.
> He's in the army base now.
Killing dudes.
> they are sending delta force after the skeleton man. half of delta force are girls. none of them look very buff except for johnny rico.
> the underwater demolitions specialist has pretty big boobs.
> in case i didn't mention it, the skeleton man has a teleporting horse.
> the army guys randomly meet a blind indian who exists only to relay the backstory of the monster. he also says the line 'he had to scalp himself some braves.'
> skeleton man has a name...and it is...Cotton Mouth Joe. Terror.
> overcranked shot of protagonists walking in a line with their guns out.
> since my last update, a fuel tanker has exploded and two more people were killed.
> he takes down the chopper by throwing a spear. the chopper explodes.
> one of the guys is firing a grenade launcher at the skeleton man, for no other reason i can discern except to make more explosions.
> a monologue about losing soldiers under your command. a montage of flashback explosions from nam.
> he was an indian. with a spear. that was cursed. and he was killed by a girl.
> the movie ends with a giant explosion in a power plant. literally, explosion -> credits. while guns don't hurt joe, fightin' does, as does shocking him with electricity. michael rooker parries joe's sword with his bare hands. ultimately, joe is beaten by trapping him in the core of the power plant, which causes him to explode.
> this is easily the best movie i have ever seen in my life. everybody needs to see this.
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