How To Write Like Stephen King
I feel a baa-ad moon a-risin'.
It was the winter of 2007, a year when Georgie Bush rocked out with his cock out and Nancy Pelosi was leavin' on a jet plane (and we all knew when she'd be back again, if you take my jive). Mama S was roastin' up a chicken for the weekly din with the fam, and the damned chicken, the cunting chicken, just wouldn't cook. After an hour, the bird was still frozen inside.
I feel trouble on the riiise.
I was reading Lisey's Story whilst reclining on the couch, and the voice in my head piped up. "What's the deal, Steve-o?" my personal head-sage asked. "Why can't you write no more?" Can you dig it?
I'm pretty sick of Lisey's Story at this point and am forcing myself to keep going in the vain hope that it gets better. I'm about 200 pages in, and the whole thing is just so cloying and cute. It smacks of a thinly veiled autobiography to me at points, like the late Scott Landon is some kind of avatar for King himself, some way for him to communicate that he's this rock'n'roll tortured genius. And I don't mean to come off like I don't like King but this is simply King at his worst. But damning it without finishing it, I feel like Harold Bloom.
Nevertheless, I've spent some time devising the formula that Mr. King uses to churn out his novels, especially since his tragic van accident.
1. Start with the most mundane sentence you can think of.
2. Go back in time 25 years.
3. Restate the sentence, pretending that you're a hipster from that time period.
4. Turn half of the words into baby talk or totally made up words.
5. Insert song lyrics everywhere.
6. Triple the length of the original sentence by piling on adjectives and appositive statements.
When you make your first million, guys, send me a few bucks.
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